As I currently type this piece, I wish everyone who reads this a “HAPPY NEW YEAR” !!! May the new year bring you an exciting new chapter to your life, all sorts of new challenges and changes, and bring the idea of something new to your life. With every new year begins the journey of someone becoming something of being “brand new” which is fine in itself but I say it’s more about the adjustments you make as you go along this year which brings about a “new” you.
As for me, it’s been a good while since I have written a blog, and that is of my own doing for a variety of reasons: personal happenings, sticking to a schedule, life-altering events, and for better or worse, myself. If you, the reader, are reading this I apologize for not writing any sort of blog in the past 6-7 months. I have not completely been myself for a long period of time and I cannot lie it is a detriment to my own well-being (no, nothing suicidal) because I noticed I’ve become distant from things I usually do or people I easily could hit up with no issue. Everyday is a challenge when I get up trying to figure out how I can go about my day only feeling a sense of escape when I’m keeping busy either working or slowly getting back to my “old” self trying to do what I use to do as far as creative projects.
Lately I’ve been getting back in the habit of gaming (not as much as I did as a kid/teenager) but it’s coming along again since I’ve (FINALLY!!!) gotten the PS5!!! I’m not up in arms and shouting for glee that I got it but it requires just enough of my attention to justify playing aside from the pricey games. I’ve given it enough attention to keep on playing every blue moon or so often but not as much to distract me from everyday life happenings (I have a life outside of the PS5). Not to forget, I have been dabbling back into creating/editing videos to create vlogs, TikToks, and other forms of entertainment. It felt time consuming to me once upon a time but once I settled back into the groove of things and mastering patience it came to become a natural process again…..
(The 3 paragraphs above were written between January 2023 – March 2023. The next several paragraphs will haven been typed as of 08/17/2023 chronicling the timeframe from March 2023 to July 2023.)
WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN: I have never felt such a dramatic (kinda sorta) journey from 2022 up to this point in time currently and honestly it still feels so unreal to me. Last year, starting off the first few months of 2022: I lost/totaled my Ford Focus (not my fault) with a few payments left to pay it off, I caught COVID-19 which set me back with work and several plans (felt like death), FINALLY took a 2nd trip to Miami (fun but not long), lost a twin child but had another healthy boy (life event), and some other things that I can’t think of but the year was pretty eventful personally. It may not be that I can’t think of em but I guess reliving certain things in my head brings on unwarranted emotion and that sense of “what if” so I just acknowledge that it happened when it happened and understand that life continues. Sometimes I wish I could forget the year of 2022 like I did with 2018 but moving forward is the only realistic option that is ever present.
You wouldn’t even understand the mental toll I dealt with back then thinking all sorts of scenarios of what I could’ve done differently or how I should’ve been better in certain situations instead of the route I had already took upon myself. Could I have handled leaving my job from Target waayy better than I did? Of course I could have, that was a big risk in itself and going several months without consistent money but I made things work in the end even working a part-time job afterwards that paid way less but I made a way regardless. Hell, everyday I woke up I just thought to myself, “what am I gonna do today?” because I knew I had priorities to handle so I could’ve slept my days and stress away but nahh I bust my ass on Instacart and Uber eats to make up for what I didn’t have at that time and what the part-time job couldn’t cover entirely. I make a way I don’t go out looking for a way. All the ripping and running I did wasn’t necessarily the best because all that physical and mental fatigue sets in then I would’ve quitted on myself quite honestly even with the lack of a decent sleep schedule and only eating once or twice a day. Not how I pictured myself going about things but I learned to block out certain mental hindrances and kept that “I can still go” attitude which in all honestly is the only reason I work as hard as I do even though I needed rest (even now as I type this up). I really believe that my constant working or overworking was just an excuse for me to not deal with my depression (trauma/various happenings?) because I never wanted to spend any moment thinking of everything that happened and bottling those feelings was more self-harm mentally and internally than anything physically.
“Cause thoughts keep runnin’ through my head
I know I gotta be strong
Gotta hold on
Sometimes I’d rather give up instead
Seems like I’m better off dead” (Blackberry Molasses x Mista)
The lyrics above represented what I use to feel but not as much anymore. Giving up is the easy route but isn’t the way to go about life struggles even for myself. Sometimes I look back on days I use to consider hard or even long “how did I even make it to this point now?” because back then in then in the moment of those days I didn’t want do whatever I did then but I’m glad I made it through. If I would’ve gave up I wouldn’t have the things I got now nor would I have made any more memories/moments in my life but yes even the strong quiet people go through rough patches. I wished I asked for help but pride won’t let me, I wished I would’ve spoke up at times about my struggles but I rather do on my own by my own strength and volition, and take care of my own problems while trying to help the next person in need of help. I do understand that it is okay to ask for help when it is needed because not everything requires you to go through it alone when you know you have the support from those around you.
As of today, I have once again positioned myself to be in the best position possible: AFTER A YEAR LONG WAIT (with a little help) I finally got a car again that’s paid off (never know how much you miss a car till it’s gone), I have two jobs (one full-time and one part-time) which took some time and betting on myself to get them in which both aren’t too demanding on me physically and the scheduling is pretty nice to me, somewhere to lay my head and in the process of making it my own in due time slowly but surely. I’d be crazy to let things falter and lose all this progress I’ve been making for myself because it does take time and a focused mindset to stay dedicated to long-term goals especially when they pay off in the end.
I’ve always expressed the desire to be better than I was yesterday or better than I was last year, and it seems to be paying dividends for myself. It feels to good to bet on yourself and work hard towards the things you desire it shows how much you’re willing to go for something if you allow yourself to do so without hesitation. Hopefully the rest of 2023 will be kind and in earnest to me so I can continue to flourish as well as reap the benefits from the fruits of my labor.
Until next blog, take care. – Rel
REL’S WORLD 