I’m mostly a quiet individual, never bother anyone, start trouble, or just go looking for trouble either too because that isn’t my M.O. Lately, I noticed that I’m always having an issue arise out of the blue almost blindsiding me like a sneak attack on my person, and I don’t like that not one bit. Sometimes I feel like trouble finds me, I feel like I find trouble, or karma tends to pay me more visits than naught. Whether me seeing how the trouble plays out or if it draws itself out longer than it should does mystify me but enough is enough. Let me list them out, shall I?
1. Inconvenienced out of a vehicle. 2. Guy wants (wanted) to fight me about his girl that I didn’t or don’t want. 3. Feel as if I’m “trapped” or not doing for me. 4. Not caring as much as I use to do. 5. Longing for peace internally and becoming "strong" (Note: I'll dwell into each bullet point/topic separately not too long and give clarity/resolution of each one.)
- Inconvenienced out of a vehicle – Going car shopping is for the birds let me just say that for the record. Not as easy as buying groceries or fast food, but difficult like when you need to find right size of clothes or shoes it has to be right. You never know how much you miss a car until you don’t have one. I’ve been without a vehicle for a good month and some change waiting on the insurance company and it feels like a back & forth hassle to get it done buuuuuuuuuut I do what I must in the meantime between time. Luckily enough, family has come through to help me borrow one the old vehicles they have to get me around and handle my daily needs so I can’t complain and grateful that they came through when I needed it the most. For now, I just bide my time and go car (window) shopping until everything falls into place and be riding in style.
- Guy wants (wanted) to fight me about his girl that I didn’t or don’t want. – This was a situation weeks ago that came out the blue late one night off of speculation, assumption, insecurity, and misguided anger that really wasn’t necessary or warranted in the slightest. On my part, I can attest that I had no intentions of doing anything he accused me of because the way I’m set up I got enough problems to worry about honestly but if this was the me of old (2016-2019), then altogether it would’ve been a different scenario.
- Feel as if I’m “trapped” or not doing for me – I cannot pinpoint exactly when I felt “trapped” but I feel as if I’m not doing enough for myself or that if I try doing anything for myself it feels as if I’m wrong. It like when Squidward, from Spongebob says, “Why is it whenever I’m having fun it’s wrong”, and I be flabbergasted by it. Recently, I told someone I wanted to have a little me time on the weekend during the week of my birthday and they felt slighted by it and I didn’t take it to heart how they felt but I specifically wanted “ME TIME”, am I wrong for that? I didn’t think so I mean I can’t get time for myself back with things I actually want to do but I’m always busy and having take care of the business at hand, so when I get a little leeway I’m taking full advantage.
- Not caring as much as I use to do – Over the past six years I noticed slowly but surely I became increasingly less caring to certain things or people. Not in a heartless way like saying “f*ck you” outright but in a way that looks at what is happening around me and see if it benefits me or affects (involves) me whether it be the minimalist of inconvenience or has my name attached. I’ve no problem hearing people out and giving them advice or the right way of going about certain things but I think a certain point it starts to become minute and feel as you done all you can and just stop caring. I’m typically am not this way but it has increase as I’m getting older or if there is a sudden change in my character that I can’t explain to myself why I am like that, or maybe I became immune to certain situations or experiences nevertheless I do what I always do and push forward in life.
- Longing for peace internally and becoming “strong” – I longed for peace that I been missing for so long since adolescence. Now I feel as if I’m in this constant state of worrying about everything or everyone than my own person. It feel as if I need to be stronger not only physically but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally to chase after this peace. I know I can’t save everyone or do everything under the sun but I won’t feel satisfied til it feels like I can honestly and I know it’s only fool’s gold in the end. What I mean by “fool’s gold” is that it feels like I’m chasing a goal that is within reach but always seems far away no matter how much progress I make. It’s why I feel the need to become “strong” and do better not only for myself but for those around me hopefully making a difference somewhere or to someone no matter how frivolous the end goal may seem.
After spilling my guts somewhat I hope I can bridge the personal connection or enlighten you, the reader, to think about your own problems or look within yourself critically. Now, I’m not an expert at literature but using my own forms of jargon, slang, diction, and choice of words or phrases helps me communicate or express myself with these blogs I type. Writing (typing) these blogs in the way that I talk does more for me than it probably would for you or anyone else but hopefully it gives you clarity from my perspective on things, in this case, about me. I hope to have more blogs sooner than later or rather not so far in between the next but I’ll keep them coming regardless.
Until next blog, take care and be safe. – Rel
REL’S WORLD 